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Posts tagged ‘GILLETTE’

The TINKERERS!


In TINKERERS, there are different types of TINKERERS, there are those TINKERERS who work on the ‘body’ of the vehicle; those who work on the ‘running board’; those who work on the ‘floor’ and then those who specialize on the UNDER CHASSIS of the vehicle!

So just as GILLETTE had conducted a ‘survey’ on whether women prefer clean shaven  men to men with moustache or a stubble, i also decided to conduct my survey with the TINKERERS as to which of these TINKERERS preferred to sport a moustache or a stubble and those who did not prefer to! The sample for this survey was limited to those who were in the profession of  TINKERING only, therefore i had to choose a terrain where a lot of vehicles are still sent for tinkering. Since most of the terrain in Kerala is closer to the sea coast, than any other state in India, i decided to do my survey in Kerala.

The data collected by me is available in my archives, but certain ‘TRUTHS’, as perceived by me were inferred, extracted and are in the process of being published!

The crucial questions which were asked to all the TINKERERS were as follows:

1. Whether they prefer to sport a moustache or stubble on their face, and if so why?

2. Whether their spouses/girl friends preferred them to sport a moustache/stubble, and if so why?

Kuttappan Vazhaparambil, who was a body tinkerer, said that both he and his wife preferred him sporting a moustace and he added that his wife Omana was keen on him having his moustache thick and big and with a glint in his eyes had told me that Omana  would twirl the ends of his moustache and make then so pointed that she would prick that end on her soft cheeks and get into a giggle! It sure was embarrassing for me to hear all that, but considering the IMPORTANT nature of the survey, i listened to Kuttappan with a poker face.

Muttappan Chakkaparambil, was a running board tinkerer. His trade had equipped him with the skill to place the pre-bent running board and weld them with the body and ensure that the joints are smoothly melded. It was a delight  for me to hear him say that when he does the side-board tinkering, he has to turn his eyes from the area of joint and feel it with his fingers to see it the joints have been smoothed out, so that when the painting is done, the area of joints do not show! He also said that he as well as his wife preferred him sporting a moustache . He further added that he felt that the mouch was a sign of manliness and a display of his youth- as he was young and his hairs had not greyed!

Vattappan Maamparambil, was the floor-board TINKERER and his job was to cut open the rusted floor board in the vehicle and place a piece of steel board and weld it into the slot and as there was not much visibility to his floor, he was not that skilled. Even he and his wife preferred him sporting a moustache.

So finally, i met Chussan Thennamparambil, who was an UNDER CHASSIS TINKERER! He had a PECULIAR job to perform- he had to go under the vehicle and had to do the cutting, placing the pieces, welding them and smoothing the ends. Further, he had to work in the dark underside. This had equipped him with skills to work in the dark by merely feeling with his fingers. So, he was asked about his preference and he said that he and his girlfriend preferred him without a moustache or stubble. When asked for the reasons, he said: See saar, i have to work in the under chassis and while welding, cutting, scraping or rubbing the dust particles would fall on my face and if i had a moustache the dusty particles would stay despite my washing and cleaning my face.  So, my girl friend and i came to the conclusion that i clean shave myself before going to work and also after returning from UNDER CHASSIS TINKERING!

So based on the data collected by our team, financially assisted by Masu-chews-its Institute of Technology, we contacted all the UNDER CHASSIS TINKERERS in all the garages in India and the finding was UNIQUE and AMAZING- THAT ALL UNDER CHASSIS TINKERERS WERE NOT ONLY CLEAN SHAVEN BUT WERE ALSO SHAVING BEFORE AND AFTER UNDER CHASSIS WORK. So, we promoted a brand of blades/shaving system specifically designed for UNDER CHASSIS TINKERERS and branded them as JILLET! So we had to advertize also, therefore we engaged a copy writer who came up with a brilliant baseline: FOR THOSE WHO WORK FROM UNDER! This new brand is positioned to take on SHAVE OR CRAVE of Gillette! The market survey conducted so far also shows that anyone who is employed in jobs where dust could fall on his face should use JILLET, as there is a strip of soap on the razor which would clean his upper lip while shaving!

What an analysis my friends, this JILLET brand’s advertisement might look ridiculous, but we hope to capture the market as there are many UNDER CHASSIS TINKERERS in this country and they love the study we have done before we launched this FUNCTIONAL PRODUCT, A word of caution though is that all men who want to use JILLET, should be CLEAN SHAVEN and have a unisexified face! Only then they qualify to use JILLET- FOR THOSE WHO WORK FROM UNDER!

Good luck to all those moronic claims made by the razor companies, which show as if WOMEN’s choice influences MEN’s choice! Shave or Crave- Crave for what?: For those self-centred women who have nothing much to do than believe in bestowing sexual favours on those who shave twice with Gillette? Let us not promote products based on false, motivated and financed statistics!

Get real GILLETTE or else JILLET will trounce you and do the tinkering!!

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Oh! Barkha……when will u change?


Another Sunday (20/12/2009), and in WE THE PEOPLE  slot at 8 PM in NDTV was the discussion WHETHER THE PRIVATE LIVES OF CELEBRITIES SHOULD BE KEPT PRIVATE OR ALLOWED TO BE OPEN FOR PUBLIC SCRUTINY?

A topic that mostly revolved around Tiger Woods and his escapades. Barkha Dutt, as usual, butted in incessantly and drove the discussion in the lines that she had pre-decided to go! This is nothing new, and looking for Barkha to realize and reform seems a vain expectation.

It was a great opportunity for DISTINGUISHING the differences between a celebrity who was leveraging his skills off his domain and a celebrity who was creating an AURA beyond the domain. Let me give an illustration: NIKE is a sports equipment manufacturer and is in the same domain as Tiger Woods is, as a golfer. NIKE could still contend that despite his unseemly escapades, nothing takes away the fact that he is the greatest golfer mankind has seen so far (14 majors!). But when GILLETTE, which is known for its shaving products, takes him as a brand ambassador, Tiger Woods has left his domain of specialty and has veered into a territory where he is leveraging his popularity to promote and sell shaving products.

Much worse is when Tiger Woods start endorsing a Management Company like ACCENTURE. When William T.Green, Chairman & CEO of ACCENTURE speaks of the “accessibility, affordability and accountability of  Education in India, and his prescription of making India a Global Education Hub,” there is a jarring note. What did Tiger Woods have to do with a global consulting firm, that could not manage the “affairs” of  it best known face (by hindsight)!! Therefore the point i want to make is that TIGER WOODS chose to use his visibility to promote brands beyond his COMPETENCE and thereby made himself vulnerable to PUBLIC SCRUTINY.

When one of the participating members, Dhabolkar was about to bring in the distinction, OUTLOOK Mehta butted in and the point was never again touched upon. Once i make a statement as an ANONYMOUS person, i am not deemed to be an EXPERT and the viewer is going to count my OPINION as another one in the ocean of OPINIONS. But when a highly visible celebrity makes a statement, he becomes a PUBLIC figure opening himself to scrutiny, by having stated an OPINION on an unrelated area and pledging his credibility.

In the case of Tiger Woods, he had made a statement that his “family” comes first. Which had subliminally added to his “image” substantially. Now that the whole world knows that he had an “EXTENDED FAMILY” consisting of bar-maids and whores, the CONTAMINATION of that FAMILY statement is merely boomeranging. It is that the viewer is HOLDING TIGER WOODS  at his WORD.

So to suggest that a public figure’s life should be beyond the pale of  public scrutiny, is LIKE demanding an unfair bargain: BUY THE PRODUCTS I ENDORSE. BUT IF I AM CAUGHT TO BE OTHER THAN WHAT I HELD OUT TO BE, THEN I SHALL USE MY PRIVILEGE OF PRIVACY AND YOU IDIOTS SHALL HAVE NO RIGHT TO SCRUTINIZE MY PRIVATE LIFE!!

But our desi angrezi steam roller Barkha would have none of the point that was about to be said. She as a moderator of the discussion was pathetic. Her questions were either leading or stifling!!

THE WEEPIN’ WOODS!


Anyone who has been watching the idiot box, even cursorily, would bear me out in that the GILLETTE ad featuring Tiger Woods, Thierry Henry and Roger Federer, that their clean shaven moustache-less looks were attempted to be portrayed as a mark of success in itself. The AC NIELSEN study and the dubious statistics that they rolled out to the Indian masses that “women” love moustache-less men was in-keeping with their choice of the celebrities mentioned above.

I had watched the likes of Bjorn Borg, Stefan Edberg and Pete Sampras who had never ever shed tears like our Federer had! Thierry Henry’s handball aka Diego Maradona and the latest claims of affairs by barmaids, whores and other publicity seeking cheapsters implicating Tiger Woods is not in-keeping with the image of golfing!! Our Tiger Woods has turned out to be like Marlow of SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER by Oliver Goldsmith, where Marlow is comfortable only with women of low station in life and the heroine had to don the barmaid’s role to get Marlow to come out of his bashful self!! Our Tiger Woods seems to a new avatar of that Marlow of SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER.

Gillette, which has been going to town with their publicity of clean shaven men have stopped all that crass bull-shit that they have been tom-tomming.

If there is any inference that could be drawn from the events that have unfolded in the last 3 weeks, it is this. AFRICAN-AMERICAN men without moustache have been discovered as CHEATS. Thierry Henry did not have the honesty to accept that the crucial goal was a handball. Tiger Woods has been caught with his pants down and he has the gall to tell, “I AM NOT PERFECT!!” The “affairs”, if any, was not without his consent, but to go public and say that HE IS NOT PERFECT shows that he thought there were idiotic men who mistook his golfing skills for  CHARACTER!!!

All that ACCENTURE”s, PERFORMANCE DELIVERED seems to have been delivered still-born. Woods went ahead and JUST DID IT (some tribute to NIKE!!)

Let us not mix performance with character. They are 2 different things. Berlusconi is a performer but none expects him to talk or lecture on MORALITY. But the celebrities chosen by GILLETTE have all leveraged their visibility and alloyed it with a lot of hypocrisy and made them all look like heroes with character. When they came up with the lastest one, that women prefer men without moustache, LIFE hit back. LIFE doesn’t tolerate these half-baked inferences to peddle products.

ONE WORD OF ADVICE TO ACCENTURE, NIKE AND GILLETTE IS THAT PLEASE DO NOT ASCRIBE TRAITS TO MEN WHO DO NOT HAVE IT!!

PLEASE CHOOSE MEN- who would at least own up to their proclivities and weaknesses.

SPORT FACIAL HAIR.  BE A MAN, AT LEAST, ON FIRST LOOK!!

MARKETING “TRUTHS”!!!


Lies, damned lies, and statistics” is the persuasive power of numbers, particularly the use of statistics to bolster weak arguments, and the tendency of people to disparage statistics that do not support their positions.

The term is part of a phrase attributed to the 19th Century British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli, among others, and later popularized in the United States by, among others, Mark Twain: “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.” The phrase is not found in Disraeli’s works nor is it known within his lifetime and for years afterward. Many coiners have been proposed. The most plausible, on current evidence, is Charles Wentworth Dilke (1843-1911).

In the business of marketing, the first stage is to look for data that would be in alignment with the PURPOSE. It is not an effort at ascertain the “FACTS”, for the sake of  arriving at the “TRUTH”. The purpose colours one’s collection of data, interpretation and the formulation of the hypothesis and final presentation as the TRUTH. Many business consulting agencies have cropped up proffering advice to its clients, and such “Advice”  becomes the bedrock of the Company’s strategy. The latest assault carried out by Gillette in the marketing of its shaving products follows the above mentioned path. TIMES OF INDIA, dated 25/11/09 (Bangalore Edition) has front-paged the following news item.

A survey was carried out by AC Nielsen and Gillette Mach III and it was reported that Indian women in the metro cities like Mumbai, Ahmedabad, Delhi, Lucknow, Chennai, Bangalore, Kolkatta and Patna praised actors Shah Rukh Khan and Shahid Kapoor in clean shaved faced looks. Only 8 % of the women said that they loved Shah Rukh Khan’s unshaven look in “Chak De India.”

In the report, Patna has been included in the list of METRO CITIES of India. This is the first time that i am intimated that Patna has become a METROPOLITAN city!!! Besides this glaring non-factual assertion, the report generalizes the “PREFERENCE OF INDIAN WOMEN.”  If they had left out Madras, i’d have been happy. I know for a fact that Shah Rukh Khan is not a celebrity in Chennai as much as even the second grade Actors and Actresses of the Thamizh cinema,  leave alone the big names like Rajnikanth , Kamal Haasan, Surya, Dhanush, Simbu etc. In the list mentioned above except for Surya and Dhanush all the other  actors sport a moustache. To bring in Shah Rukh Khan into the assessment in Chennai is ill-fitting to the core.

WHAT WOMEN WANT, is a package deal. Women using their influence subsequent to the acquisition of a boy-friend/husband could always influence the man to doff or don a mooch. It is not that important, that the mooch is an integrally inalienable part of the chosen  man. It is AT WILL that it could be removed or sported.

I see this whole exercise by AC Nielsen and Gillette Mach III as nothing but CHERRY PICKING of the sampling lot by AC NIELSEN to support the business of its client Gillette! I reproduce herebelow the stated objectives of AC NIELSEN from its own company profile available in the internet:-

Our full range of modelling & analytical services integrate information from multiple sources and transform data into strategic insights and tactical recommendations. Data sources include detailed retail measurement information, consumer purchasing information, media measurement information, customised research and virtually any other source that can be quantified from a client’s own or other external sources.

These recommendations given to their clients get bandied about as TRUTHS, and even become the pillars of the arguments of some half-baked TRUTH SEEKERS.

The statistical data collected, collated, analyzed and disseminated as TRUTHS are nothing but the lowest  for of LIES, as DISRAELI had so rightly said more than a century back. Only a JEW could have said that. A Mark Twain could have popularized it, in the American tradition, but it is the JEW who himself is surrounded by the LIE MANUFACTURING Caiaphases who could have been this perceptive in distilling the essential TRUTH.

Let us look at the whole assertion logically. Would GILLETTE have gained if AC NIELSEN had come up with a report that bearded and moustached individuals fared better with the fair sex? I suppose not. Therefore buttress a pre-desired objective with half-baked REPORTS and use the money muscle to get them published in the Newspapers.

TRUE EDUCATION IS ALSO TO DISTINGUISH FACTS FROM DATA, AND SEE THE MIND OF THE HANDS THAT FEED THE CONSULTING AGENCIES!!

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